So, I haven't been on my blog in...like...forever, right? And a lot of crazy stuff has happened. I fell in love. And life was amazing. I woke up every day and said, "I am so happy! I am so grateful! I am so in love!" like a broken record on repeat for two years or so.
And then...a little over a month ago...my boyfriend (my everything, my life partner, my heart, my soul -- the person I thought I'd spend my forever with) killed himself, and because of stupid money problems which is so dumb and so not something I understand at all and it's so horrible. And life was worse than I ever thought it could be, and my heart aches and breaks in incomparable ways. And everything is strange and surreal right now and those of you who follow my Instagram have seen the ways in which I've fallen apart and but myself back together again multiple times throughout the day.
About a week before Drew died, a Refinery 29 crew came to our house and filmed an episode of "Hang Time with Jenn Im" with me, a cute series where Jenn does closet raids of her favorite bloggers/vloggers. By now, I live in a completely different place, alone in an apartment and not with him in his house, and my life is so the opposite of what it was then. And it should all seem so frivolous, you know? But the episode came out yesterday and I watched it and it kind of made me happy to see our place, his things...a snapshot of a life I can never have again. I don't know.
It's a good series, and Jenn is such a good person, and it was so wonderful meeting her and getting to do this, something positive in my former hours one last time. You should watch it and check out the other videos in the series. In it, I say fashion is the only form of art everyone has to participate in every day. And a month after the most horrific tragedy I hope I will ever endure, I find that to be even more true. My hair has since been dyed dark brown. I don't wear makeup very often anymore. I dress a bit like Lydia Deetz. And this is what I communicate to the world now...a darkness, yes, a sensitivity maybe. But there is comfort in that.
If you have questions about suicide...either Drew's or your own suicidal thoughts or anything like that...I am an open book. You can always talk to me on my Tumblr.